she apparently needs to be mean sometimes in order to be nice to her friends. that’s what she says. and i think i’d be okay if that meanness wasn’t directed towards me.

after school we all sit at the dining room table and do out homework together. whenever i talk she says nobody cares. she says nobody likes me. little childish things like that. things that shouldn’t matter to me.

somehow it really hurt me, though. i told her she was being mean and she just said she had to be mean to me in order to be nice to other people like her friends. my other sister also takes some of this meanness but she seems to be a lot better at coping with it.

after she said those things i started feeling really tired and i couldn’t say anything loudly or do anything quickly. i guess that’s depression, but i wouldn’t know. it was hard to laugh, even at things that were funny.

to be pretty blunt, i kind of wanted to kill something. jokingly, i said to my sister, something like “i’m gonna kill someone. a lot of people. and you’re going to be last.” and it was just a little joke to try and ward off the hurt from her words.

but i really did want to kill something. maybe not someone,but something had to die. i took a deep breath and opened up youtube, then watched some funny videos of my favourite gamer. it distracted me for a while and afterwards i didn’t feel too bad. but then i decided to start writing my book again (which is about an insane man who hears voices, coincidentally). it was building up to a really sad and scary part of the book and i started feeling that heaviness that slowed and quieted me again.

so then i wrote this. i don’t want to kill or die or anything right now, but i’m sad and i still have homework that’s going to be difficult. i hate procrastinating required stuff like that so i think i’ll get it out of the way and go fuck around with videogames to distract myself.

i don’t want to say i’m glad to hear this, but i think i am.

it’s nice to know i’m not the only one i guess

thank you

i don’t know what to say. i guess this blog will mostly be my twisted thoughts that i can’t share and horrifying desires that overwhelm me. i know this is all going to sound cheezy and emo when i write it out but honestly i don’t care. i need to get it written down, organize my thoughts, whatever. something’s wrong with me.

like i said, i’ll probably seem overly dramatic a lot. so you, whoever is reading this, will probably laugh.

to put it simply: i think i hear voices in my head.

but it’s not really more than one voice, and i’m not even sure if i’m hearing it or pretending i’m hearing it.

i think i might just be tricking myself into thinking that i hear voices because in my mind i just want to be special. i don’t want to be normal, in reality. i want to be strange. i know that much.

but what i don’t know is whether or not this voice is a product of my need to be different or my insanity.

i’ve thought about this a lot and broken it down into two branches.

branch 1: it’s my insanity.

bingo. there we have it. if i’m hearing the voice because i’m insane, it’s because i’m insane. simply.

branch 2: it’s my craving to stand out.

this one is more complicated. and if it’s true, it also leads to the question: do i want to hear voices? is that why it whispers to me?

if it’s because i want to stand out, why can’t i just stop it right now?because i WANT to hear voices.that’s why.

but that brings something else up.

i want to hear voices. isn’t that what a crazy person does? no sane person WANTS to hear voices.

so either way, i’m insane.